I never pretend that only mothers are good and patient. I know that there are just as many difficult and bad mothers out there as there are fathers. Often today, we are made to feel like we cannot complain or voice our frustration without the opinions of others or them running to the aide of all man and woman kind.
The bottom line is this. Parenting is hard work even when you are still together and are like-minded in your parenting style. Add in any complications such as separating or parenting in different ways and it is 10 times harder. In my case, my sons father is the absent parent. Absent parent means exactly what it sounds like, when the parent is primarily uninvolved.
I have struggled with that for almost 9 years, the idea that even though this parent, this person, contributes nothing that they are still in society’s eyes considered a parent. To me, this seemed wild. I had a lot of anger about the way things happened between us, it took time and therapy (yes therapy) to move past that. Now, things are not anywhere close to perfect. He is still absent and I am still dealing with all of the responsibilities on my own. However, where the difference lies is that I handle it better. A bad day with him or a rough day between him and my son, doesn’t effect mine and my sons lives the entire week.
Me healing myself and being able to move forward, has also helped my son be able to cope. At the end of the day, we are only responsible for our own actions and I am trying to teach him that all of his feelings are valid, and that how he feels is okay, but that he can express himself and heal in better ways than being stuck in anger and disappointment.
You learn to be factual, to be logical and objective. To react less with emotions and more with what is true. This, does not fix the other person, but it keeps things very matter of fact for you and keeps you from spiraling into your own feelings. This is about your child, not you. I always strive for my son to have a relationship with his Father. I want to be able to look at my son and tell him that I did everything in my power to promote that, and that if that is not what happened, it is not mine or his fault and that it will all be okay.
My grandmother once told me “Your Childs’ Sun rises and sets in you, if you are okay, they will be okay”, I have held onto that for years.
For those of you considering court, that is not always an easy fix either. Sometimes it feels really unfair. My best advice I can give you, is to accept what they tell you, follow the court order, and if something needs to change, go back. Do not be scared to do this. Don’t go crazy and go to court for silly things. Consider what is fair and right for your child. Not yourself. Be about your son or daughter and you will always win.
There is no easy way to deal with an ex, especially when the pain they inflict is not just on you. But you can choose not to inhale it into your life at such a magnitude. You can choose your kids and yourself. Don’t allow them to take your sanity. Your kids need that. You need that. Allow the brick wall to stay a brick wall. Go around it.
Simply,
Miss Shay
Simply Miss Shay 