Assault From All Perspectives.

***WARNING- mentions of abuse and sexual assault, please do not read if this will upset or trigger you***

PTSD is a wild and complicated thing. It is a spectrum for sure, something not so easily shoved into a box.

As a sexual assault survivor I learned really quickly that there was very little me and other people who had survived this had in common. The two main things? It was awful, and it was not our fault… People really focus on the details of what happened to you. Who did it, when did it happen, did you suspect them, did they go to jail, etc. What people do not really talk about or think about is the trauma that actually SURROUNDS the actual attack. The isolation and shame, people not believing you, people putting you at a distance or even being too involved, people turning it into their struggle and story, and so much more. This issue and concept is hard enough for adults to deal with, let alone a child. They are so ill equipped to handle something like this, most do not even realize that it is what happened to them in the first place.

For me, obviously the act of it all, the event itself was terrible and something I would not wish upon my worst enemy but to be honest, if I had to say what traumatized me most was the side effect. My mother not believing me and telling me I did something completely different while the evidence of what happened was so plainly on my body. Never feeling like I could talk about it afterwards because hell, if my own mother does not believe me…. who will? I shaved my head into a mohawk at almost 13 because of this, I started to wear boy clothes and just wanted NOTHING to do with the feminine look or anything with sex appeal.

Then when you finally do start to have sex as a choice, you are not even sure if it is a choice or what is expected of you. You never really have that magic moment that teaches you this is something fun or beautiful. My mother having been a teen mom also always wanted me to avoid sex so there was also this undertone of like “this is how it is supposed to be I guess”, thank the universe we handle sex conversations differently in society today. As an adult, my very unhealed mother would change the narative on what happened, what she did or did not know, and would belittle and berate me for my feelings or how I felt about it. My own mother stating, “There are worse things in life that are going to happen to you that r**e, so get over it!”. I still cannot fathom how anyone, let alone a mother, would say that to someone.

As I got older, and started healing from this, even having to discuss it and tell your partners was re-traumatizing in its own ways. Some people are afraid of it and do not want to continue to date, while some may lean into it and sickeningly want all of the details clearly turned on. Thankfully there are good people out there who seek to understand, who want to just create a good experience for you both. I have been extremely lucky to have one or two of my partners be those people where I was able to recover and rewire my feelings on sex. I can only hope everyone gets this experience.

Whatever your trauma, whatever your experience, I hope you know you are not alone and we can find a way through the dark. I am always here if anyone ever wants to talk and please seek professional help where needed. I have been in and out of different therapies for over 10 years. I go through phases where I go to therapy, I feel good and have learned a lot, and then I go out into the world for awhile and practice and when I hit a wall where I need more help, I go back. Healing in not linear and it is not black and white. Life happens in the gray.

Simply,
Miss Shay